Vanity and Selfishness


I want to be the one people look to for a great book to read, for a movie worth seeing, or for music that will amaze, change your life forever.  I used to be, but the charisma has all left me now.

I want my hair back, all of it, and the time each day to run off these extra 20 pounds.  I want to go to a party with my friends and not always be the one with the least hair, and the most out of shape.

I want someone to be blown away by one of the photographs I made.  That hasn’t happened in a long time.

I want to be referred to as gorgeous, that word exactly.  Yep, I am male, but I have heard women refer to a man as gorgeous, “gor…geous.”

I want to not constantly worry about money.

I want 1,000 Facebook friends.

I want to go to Hawaii, or Europe for a week, or why not Australia for three.  Everyone I know seems to be going on these trips, I want to know what they know I don’t.

Heck, I’d settle for 3 straight days off, anywhere.  Anywhere.

I want to be the guy that gets all the girls; Jacey, not Doug.  But, I am married, so I want to be the guy everyone thinks gets all the girls.

I want to stop spending 4 hours a night at home trying to catch up on work I couldn’t finish in my 10 hour workday.

I want to be more like my wife, the person everyone meets and instantly thinks is the coolest in 3 minutes flat.

I want to spend more time with my brother.

I want my 4 year old son to keep responding to me when I tuck him in each night that he loves me too.  I want him to keep asking me 200 questions a day, about “what is that?,” and “what are you doing?”

I want my 5 year old daughter to stop growing up.

I want to drink a six pack of tall boys with my old best friend who decided he didn’t need me anymore nine years ago.  Our talks about whatever, walking down the street, brought me my greatest sources of self-confidence and security.

I want to live in a historic home in downtown Hillsborough, one of the same homes i grew up walking by everyday, pretending in my mind I lived in that house.  But, I don’t want to pay what people think those homes are worth.

I want to lose my ability, honed over 10 years, of having a pretty good idea of what my wife is thinking.  A lot of times I don’t think I want to know.

I want to get in my ’71 Volkswagen Bus tomorrow morning and just start driving.  And do so for the next 6 months, wherever the road takes me.

I want to go through one day, 24 hours, without thinking once about the fact I am financially responsible for 2-3 other human beings.

I want my grandparents back, if only for a week.  There are so many things I want to ask them about.

I want my male friends to call me up and ask me to meet them at the bar for a beer or two, though I have no clue why they would.  I never do.

I want an hour each day to work on screen printing posters.  I think I’d be great at it.

I want to never eat fast food again.

I want all the people whom do not like me to tell me straight to my face.  I am not looking for conflict, I just want to know why.

I want the time and resources to attend Bumbershoot in Seattle every Labor Day weekend.

I want the older woman in my office building that walked up to me in the lobby and told me I had the most beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen to have meant it.

I want my patience back.

I want to re-live the summer of 1997, June through September.  It was magical.

I want to make it through listening to one story on the radio about a serviceman killed in Iraq or Afganistan, and the effects on his family, without crying.  Just once.

I want to give my kids everything they want.  But, I know better than to spoil them.

I want everything my way with my wife, all the decisions a couple has to make, and I am mad when things go her way.  Which, is as selfish as can be.


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